A Month of Pain

As I start this post out I don't really know what to "title" it. I don't have a name off the top of my head to give it...Maybe as I write my thoughts and feelings down maybe that name will come to me...

For all of you wondering why I've been sad, depressed, or upset sounding here is your answer. Here is your brief glance inside my head and my thoughts... Here is a peek at the life I lead... The one that keeps me busy, crazy, sane, confused, and overwhelmed all in one moment!

So this month of January is a month from HELL if I do say so myself. January can kick rocks because the first few days into it... I was DONE! January was an exciting month for me back in 2006...I gave birth to my first baby! January was a great month and one year later things turned... Now... Don't get me wrong I LOVE the birthdays in this month and all but there are too many negative things that I don't like to dwell in this month... This month needs to go... 31 days is way too much!

Dec 31st/Jan 1st - New Year's Eve/Day - SUCKED... It just was NOTHING that I was hoping for... So that just started the month wrong...
Jan 10th - Not a big deal but I'm going to have 3 cavities filled at 10a and then coming to work - I'm sure I will be in pain and grumpy tomorrow. YAY!

Here goes the reason I DISLIKE January...

Jan 17th - Leaving on a work trip to Denton, TX... Driving myself down (or following the other group)... My children will be spending the night with my brother in law... Thank God for Wayne he has been a life saver.

Jan 18th - What a day... Jan 18, 2008 is the day my Dad took his last breath here on earth, the day we last got to look at him in his physical body still alive. The last time I was able to touch his hands, face, and arms and him still be breathing. Jan 18th the last day my dad lived. 6 months in a coma with brain damage, amputated leg, brain surgeries, etc he had to endure - I know he was probably ready to go long before those 6 months got here. Though us kids and my Mom didn't want him to go... We needed him! We wanted him! Who wants to say goodbye to their Dad - The one they grew up around and knew as "dad". The one that "supported" me when I was younger and told me how crazy and stupid I was for some of the things I did. The word "Sis" mean something completely different when I hear it... This was my name to him.

Jan 18th - Yep, there is another day! This is a better part of this day... My step-daughter is turning 11... Some days I wish I could go back to being 11 or somewhere close to that. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAYLEE!

I have a work conference this day also from 830a - 4p and then I will be driving home from Denton, TX and going to Sand Springs, OK to pick up my children and then go home. I guess this drive home will give me some reflection time. So time to think about this day! Down time as I drive and relax (I hope).

Jan 20th - This is a good day! January 20, 2006... This is the day I had my first baby... Anastacia is turning 6. Can't believe 6 years ago on this day I was in labor getting ready to have my first child. I had no idea what I was getting into though I know I wanted her more than anything else. My mother was by my side all day long as I went through labor and when we went to our room. This is another good day! I actually am sending cupcakes to school for her class on this day! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANASTACIA!

Jan 20th - These things are coming in pairs! UGH! January 20, 2007 is the day my niece, Brooklyn, was born. Sweet little baby girl. My first niece (on my side of the family). The first time I could really refer to myself as Aunt Ashlee. As you can see my niece had the same birthday as my daughter - yes I was pretty upset about this when it was scheduled this way but oh well right? I just wanted Brooklyn here safe and sound. Yes she made it... She was a cute little thing. Spent lots of time with my niece. Now this day is *sad* day in a sense. My sweet niece would have been 5 this year if she was still here. As anyone would wonder - what would she be like? Who would she look like? What would her favorite toy be? Those are questions unanswered... Brooklyn became an angel on March 5, 2007 - I spent the day before with her all day shopping... My last moments, minutes, hours with my niece. LOVE YOU BABY BROOKLYN!

Jan 22nd - This is a good day! The day we are having Anastacia's 6th birthday party! We are having an indoor swim party! It will be fun, warm, and different - swimming in the middle of January?!? Oh I think so! Can't wait for this party! Hello Kitty is the theme and it will be so cute!

I get a few days of a break before more hits...

Jan 26th - The day I went to the doctor because I had some bleeding - I was 17 weeks pregnant at this point. I cried the night before because I knew something was wrong though I didn't want to believe it. I could have swore I felt her fluttering. I did everything like I was suppose to but yet I knew deep down it was a loss... I went to the doctor's office first thing that morning because my doctor wanted to do an ultrasound to check on our baby (in one month - Feb 17th - I was set to find out what we were having). Laid down on that cold, hard table to have that cold gel squirted on your stomach and that wand placed there to see the life inside you... As I patiently waited for a positive answer I was watching the screen and saw nothing. Still waiting for that answer I looked at my doctor's face and I knew with that look... She said "Ashlee, I'm so sorry" and I broke down. She started explaining there was blood around the placenta and around the baby. She started explaining how she must have passed the day after my last visit (one week ago) because her body had already fallen to the bottom and bunched together. Those words wrecked me... She said I will leave you alone and you can come out when you want and we can discuss things.

I got dressed, I dried my eyes for the moment, I tried to concept what I was just told, I tried to tell myself this was a dream, I tried to thing the best but I couldn't...It didn't work! I walked out and met my doctor in her office. I could see she sincerly cared, she asked me how I was, she wanted to make sure I was ok, she kept asking me to let her call someone to come and get me (I declined). We sat there minutes (which seemed like an eternity). She gave me the options: D&C, naturally, or induced/deliver. She gave me a brief synopsis of each situation. D&C - baby would be removed and due to gestational age when it was done baby would probably come out in different pieces (NOPE I could NOT do that). Naturally - She said my body would start rejecting the baby and I would end up passing the baby on my own. She said most likely I would pass the baby into the toilet during a bathroom visit (NOPE I could NOT do that either). Induction/Birth - She said she would put a pill against my cervix to help it and also give me a pill that I would put in between my cheek and gums and dissolve and this would cause me to dilate. I would give birth to my angel baby. We could see her and then have a funeral or whatever. This was the decision I made. She told me I could do it at anytime within the next few days just to call the office and let them know and they would get me all set up. This was the plan. We checked into the hospital that evening.

Jan 27th - Jan 27, 2010 what a day! We had our baby GIRL. Yep, she was a girl. We named her Skylar Faith Metcalfe. Skylar = Guarded. Faith = We needed faith. My Mom was there and she was the best. She helped me, she took pictures, she cried with me, she hurt like I did. She also called the funeral home and had arrangements for them to pick up baby Skylar so we could do the funeral. The day our life changed... The day we now became parents to an Angelbaby. The day nobody wants to ever go through in their life. We had to. This was who WE were now!
(I WILL SHARE FULL DETAILS OF THE DAYS UP TO, BIRTH, AND AFTER SKYLAR ON HER ANGELVERSARY ON THE 27TH).

Jan 28th - Released from the hospital and made our way to Walmart to pick up a few things that we needed to turn into the funeral home and then we went to the funeral home to make arrangments. I thought I was strong and I made it through all the planning, the details, the songs, the everything until the funeral director (so wonderful) asked if I wanted to see her bed she would be in and of course, I did. He showed up this small, tiny, pink & white casket for babies and I lost it. We went back to sit and I pulled it together. I did NOT want to leave the funeral home without our baby but I knew I had no choice but to. Then he said a few words that shattered me - we will leave the nightlight on for Skylar so she won't be in the dark! God I broke! I was done! We left and went home and "rested." Funeral was scheduled for Feb 1, 2010.

Jan 28th & 29th - This year I wanted to do something special for my husband's birthday. I planned a party (nope I'm not disclosing what we are doing on here because he may, by chance, read this). If you want to know after reading this you are more than welcome to text me and I will give you the details. He knows we are doing something but not sure what yet. Then we decided since his birthday is Jan 31st and my birthday is Feb 18th this will just be BOTH our presents. We both need some alone time, so away time, so relaxing time.

Jan 31st - My husband's 29th birthday! This will end out this month ok. We will celebrate probably the following weekend with his family - but I may be wrong it may be later that evening on the 29th. We will see!

Also one day towards the end of this month is my brother's trial for some BS. But will make it through it.

So here is the crazy month of hell that I wish I could skip! All too much for one person - Well I know it's alot but those of you that truly KNOW me knows I will make it. I may be a basket case, a cry baby, and you may not know that I'm either unless you specifically ask me or read between the lines. Those of you that know me know I handle things differently than anyone else. Those emotions are normally not to over powering but they do get the best of me. But I've had so many losses this month over the past few years I just want a break. I can deal with it and I will deal with it and I will still be ME!

If you have the time please say a prayer for me and my family that we make it through this month in one piece!!!! LOVE you guys!

Preslee's 1st Birthday Party

Preslee's 1st birthday party was on Saturday, December 3rd. It was ALOT of fun. Preslee and I left home and went and picked up balloons, her cake, and then stopped and got a drink and went over to Marisa's Dad's. We got there early to set up and clean up. Her Dad had already cleaned, thank you Jim!

We got everything set up! Letters on her Happy Birthday banner, balloons tied up, table cloth on, duckies set out, plates/napkins/plastic wear set out, highchair set up, presents situated... Then we waited for the party!  Everything seemed and was so perfect for her birthday. She had a great time playing and walking and everyone made it. Dana got there to take pictures and we can't wait to see the pictures from the party! Once I get them I will upload some pictures to show you the fun that we had!

Her cake was amazing. 3 tiered with black, pink, and silver. Top was a cupcake (for her) and the rest was just YUMMY! It had her named spelled out on it on the 2nd tier. So cute! We had pizza and pop for everyone!

She got lots of gifts and lots of clothes (which we needed since she pretty much skipped the 12 month size). It took me a day to get everything organized, situated, and then I had the dreadful time of going through all her smaller clothes and packing them away! Yes, I cried like a baby as I packed away some of her smaller things. I cried for over an hour as I sorted her closet to make more room. It was just emotional that my little baby was now 1 and that I needed to "get rid of" some of her things. I didn't get rid of the PRECIOUS stuff and the FIRST TIME things or HOLIDAY outfits just 'some' stuff.

But now we have a happy, healthy, vibrant one year old now fulling walking around the house. It's so cute to see my little independent girl. She likes to walk, completely feed herself, and do many things on her own. Makes this momma sad but happy at the same time.

Once I get the pictures I will upload them... But for now PRESLEE'S PARTY WAS GREAT AND I COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR A BETTER 1ST BIRTHDAY PARTY!

Preslee's 1st Birthday

Well today my baby girl turned ONE.
Can you believe it? ONE? Wow...I can't believe this year has flown by like it has!
She's growing up too fast. I wish I could keep her at this age a little bit longer!

She got up and we got her ready for daycare today in her fabric tutu, onesie, and bow outfit that we ordered from Remington's RadDesigns. She looked so stinken cute when I took her to daycare. We woke Daddy up so he could tell her "Happy Birthday" and then we headed off to daycare. I took some chocolate covered honey buns for the teachers to cut up and give to the kiddos for her birthday snack. I figured cupcakes would be too much for a bunch of little ones.

Tonight after work I'm going to go to the store and get her some Cotton Candy ice cream (she loved it the other night) and after dinner we are going to have a strawberry (like cupcake) roll with cream filling and some cotton candy ice cream for her birthday.

Her birthday party is Saturday and we can not wait to celebrate Miss Preslee turning ONE!

Here are a few pictures from this morning as we were getting ready and heading to daycare...

Here are a few sneak peaks of her 1st birthday pictures done by Stilling The Moment Photography (Dana)...

Thankful...

So as Thanksgiving falls upon us there is several things in life to be thankful for...
So here is my "thank you" list...

My husband - Thankful for my husband and the way he provides for the family. He makes ends meet and we don't have to worry about how things will come. He does little things that makes big differences (ie. cleaning the yard, writing a short note, moving something). I love this man!

Anastacia - Thankful for this girl. She brought the first meaning of real, true, passionate love to me 5 1/2 years ago. She made me a better person and want to better myself to help her through life and give her the best I can.

Triton - This little guy was miracle. When he was born he umbilical cord was in a true, solid knot. Doctor said she had delievered 2 other babies this way and they died before or during the birthing process. His umbilical cord was also wrapped around his neck a couple times. After he was born the doctor said he was a "miracle baby." With his birth it made me a stronger person. A person that now had 2 children to pour her love into and also 2 children to take care of on her own.

Skylar - My angel with wings. With the pregnancy she brought so many happy emotions, so many happy thoughts, so many wanted memories that I wanted to make. Then the world crashed around me and she was gone. She made me very strong. She made me the person I am now. The person that has gone through so much, for so long, and still holding it together. She gave me hope that I would have another baby and I would be ok. She brought Albert & I closer together and she showed me a side of me that I was not used to seeing - sensitive and not in control. I'm thankful for the 17 weeks of time that I had with her in my tummy. Those 17 weeks are unforgetable.

Preslee - My little angel on this earth. After Skylar we quickly got pregnant (not meaning to) - within a month. To me this meant she was meant to be here with us today! The pregnancy with her made me every so thankful for the true meaning of life. So people take for granted a pregnancy - me I thanked God everyday for that pregnancy. She has brought so much happiness into our family. She is our miracle/angel on earth from God. I wouldn't know what to do without her.

Mom - The woman that gave me life and brought me here. We have been through a lot of things together. We have had our ups and downs, are talking/not talking times, and the best a friendship. I love my Mom!

Nana - This is the lady that raised me. She made me a lot of who I am today. Though I've had many ups and downs with her I wouldn't trade her for the world.

I'm thankful for everyone else also. My brothers are another one that I can't miss. They have done things that I've needed, been there when I needed, and listened when I needed. I have aunts and uncles I'm thankful for. I have many friends that I'm thankful for and wouldn't know what to do without them.

THANK you to everyone for the support, love, and friendship that you all have shown me. Without you I wouldn't be who I am and wouldn't have the life that I have today!

Halloween to Thanksgiving and Everything In Between...

Halloween has come and gone for another year. Kids had fun with their costumes. Anastacia was a flapper, Triton was Spiderman, and Preslee was a lamb.

Anastacia went to a carnival at church in Tulsa with Nana so she wore hers an extra time but Preslee wore hers to daycare for her party one day...Then Anastacia and Triton wore their costumes to school and daycare and then that night for Trick or Treating...



Picture Day...

Saturday, October 15th we had a picture day with my friend Dana. I needed some pictures of all the kids together. Unfortunately we weren't able to get Baylee for these pictures (will try again soon). Here is a few of the pictures...

Who Would Have Thought...

I sit here today, at work, in a state of heartache for the families having to endure the loss of a baby...

I have always had this heavy feeling since we lost our precious Skylar on 01/27/10, I'm more just to myself and I will deal and allow you to know when I need some reinforcement and uplifting. I'm a very strong woman (if I do say so myself) but sometimes I need that extra push and love from others... But last night one of the ladies that I have bought ALL of Preslee's embroided onesies, tutus, and bows from posted a blog. In this blog the husband & wife are announcing they are pregnant again and that their baby (in Heaven) is going to be a big sister.

Such excitement...
Such joy...
Such happiness...
Such bliss...

These are the emotions of pregnancy - for a first time mom or a mom that hasn't lost a child.

Such fear...
Such anxiety...
Such worry...
Such a battle within yourself...

These are some of the emotions of a mother/father that has lost a baby. Yes these mothers also feel the happiness, excitement, joy, and bliss but this pregnancy carries so much more for them. Believe me - I have been there!

So, I watched a picture slideshow this couple had posted of their baby. I watched as they announced on their blog they are pregnant again. I seen the words on the blog "A journey in finding the new normal after the loss of our princess." At this point I'm not sure what has happened to their princess, but at that point I want to know more.

I come to work today and I go to the blog and I go back to where is shows a post titled "A Princess Goes To Heaven" (7 months back) and I start reading, I read every blog she wrote. Her sweet baby was 4 months old and passed from SIDS. She was in the care of a babysitter and asleep and the babysitter went to check on her and she was blue and not breathing. This parent got a call at her job informing her of this and rushing to the hospital she is hit with words that will never leave her... Your baby did not make it.

At that moment... What do you think she felt? Her world just crashed down around her, her beautiful baby which they longed for is no longer with her, and her life just shattered. She says in the blog they went home and when they got there all of their baby's things were still all over the house as they had left them before they went to work, before this baby went to the babysitter. This mother didn't know that when she dropped this precious baby off that would be the last time she would see her child breathing and alive. She didn't know what this day would consist of. I'm sure her plan was go to work and get off and pick up her baby. But the worst possible situation happened and this baby grew her angel wings and went home to Heaven.

As I read each one of her blog entries and I can see the anger, the hurt, the grief, the pain, the sadness, the pure confusion. The blog takes you through her picking clothes for baby's funeral, funeral arrangements, signing papers at the funeral home... These are all things Albert & I had to do. This hit home. Yes, Skylar was only 17 weeks gestation but she was our baby girl.

So as I read today this hurt and pain came back to me...Questions came flooding in...Life hit home!

Why did we have to lose our baby?
Why did God take Skylar from us?
Why did we have to make funeral arrangements for our baby?
Why did we have to go and buy clothes for our baby to wear as we watched her be put in the ground?
Why did we have to pick out those clothes to wear that day?
Why did we have to pick out music to be played at her funeral?
Why? Why? Why?

We don't know the exact answer as to why. What we do know is that God needed our angel Skylar. He blessed us with being the parents of her while she was in my stomach. His blessed us with having the joy of the pregnancy up to the day we lost her.

As we made it though Skylar's funeral and we talked and decided that we wanted to wait. We wasn't ready for another baby right now. We made that decision together. Everything was scheduled for me to go back to my OB/GYN and get my IUD put back in place until the timing was right for us. Little did we know that in this process we had already concieved.

Our sweet angel Skylar left us 01/27/10
Skylar's Funeral was 02/01/10
Preslee was concieved 03/02/10 (which we didn't know until later)
Day I realized my period should have started already 03/30/10
Pregnancy test taken 03/30/10 - positive!
My appointment to have IUD put back in 03/31/10

We never made it to that IUD appointment, instead I had to call the office and let them know. We were scared. I was scared. I was a mess. Yes I was SO happy, so excited, so full of joy but at the same time so scared, so afraid, and so nervous. I wanted this baby so bad. I wanted this pregnancy to go smoothly...

Thank the lord it did and we now have our angel Preslee...

This is the shirt we had made for Preslee in rememberance of her big sister, Skylar.

The back of this shirt says Skylar inside a heart with angel wings...