But here is the full story. Here is what happened. Here is my journey. Here is my angel.
January 23, 2010
We were having Anastacia's 4th birthday party at Bounce U. Everyone was having a blast. The was over and we decided to go to Incredible Pizza to eat and play some more games. After stuffing our faces we headed off to the games but I needed to make a stop to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom (16 1/2 weeks pregnant) and I was spotting. I didn't think too much of it though it did cross my mind. Played games and had fun since it was her birthday. I went to the bathroom several other times and the same thing. The more I went, the more I got scared. We left there and I told Albert but I told him I could still feel the fluttering/movement (or so I thought). Got home and it quit. Never thought anything else about it that night.
January 24, 2010
This was a Sunday... Woke up all was fine and got almost through the day and into the night and then the spotting started again. Yes, I did start to freak out but I thought since it quit last night it wasn't much to worry about. I stressed all night long and stayed awake. When it was time to get up and go to work I had such a pounding headache that I called in on Monday.
January 25, 2010
Woke up and wasn't spotting anymore. Got through the day again. Albert went to work as normal and my night was going ok. Then it started again. I went to the bathroom several times, I would drink tons of water and juice just to make me go again. I was curious and I was scared. I cried for an hour or so and then I knew my doctor was on call every Monday... I called the doctor's office since it was late and my doctor called me back. She told me to come in the next morning and she would check everything and do an ultrasound. I still cried after the phone call. I talked to a friend that night, Erica, and she told me to drink lots of juice and lay on my side to see if I could feel anything. I could have bet you money I felt movement so I convinced myself all was OK. I finally got some sleep because I knew I had to be at the doctor at 8:30a when the office opened.
January 26, 2010
I get up and around and take Triton to daycare and drop him off and head into my appointment. I went to the doctor's office first thing that morning because my doctor wanted to do an ultrasound to check on our baby (in one month - Feb 17th - I was set to find out what we were having). Laid down on that cold, hard table to have that cold gel squirted on your stomach and that wand placed there to see the life inside you... As I patiently waited for a positive answer I was watching the screen and saw nothing. Still waiting for that answer I looked at my doctor's face and I knew with that look... She said "Ashlee, I'm so sorry" and I broke down. She started explaining there was blood around the placenta and around the baby. She started explaining how she must have passed the day after my last visit (one week ago) because her body had already fallen to the bottom and bunched together. Those words wrecked me... She said I will leave you alone and you can come out when you want and we can discuss things.
I got dressed, I dried my eyes for the moment, I tried to concept what I was just told, I tried to tell myself this was a dream, I tried to thing the best but I couldn't...It didn't work! I walked out and met my doctor in her office. I could see she sincerly cared, she asked me how I was, she wanted to make sure I was ok, she kept asking me to let her call someone to come and get me (I declined). We sat there minutes (which seemed like an eternity). She gave me the options: D&C, naturally, or induced/deliver. She gave me a brief synopsis of each situation. D&C - baby would be removed and due to gestational age when it was done baby would probably come out in different pieces (NOPE I could NOT do that). Naturally - She said my body would start rejecting the baby and I would end up passing the baby on my own. She said most likely I would pass the baby into the toilet during a bathroom visit (NOPE I could NOT do that either). Induction/Birth - She said she would put a pill against my cervix to help it and also give me a pill that I would put in between my cheek and gums and dissolve and this would cause me to dilate. I would give birth to my angel baby. We could see her and then have a funeral or whatever. This was the decision I made. She told me I could do it at anytime within the next few days just to call the office and let them know and they would get me all set up. This was the plan. We checked into the hospital that evening.
I left Dr. Gibbens' office in like a daze state of mind. I was numb. I didn't know what I was going to do. Albert was at home asleep since he had just got off work and home around 6a that morning. What was I going to tell everyone. I get driving and I call Albert - I tell him what happened he is freaking out (as I was also). I had a 40 minute drive home and he wanted to know what he could do. I said "Nothing just get some rest and I will be there shortly." I call my Nana and my Mom and tell them what happened. I get home and I tell Albert I'm there. We talked shortly, we cried, I laid in bed with him, and I told him the options. He called his boss and told him what happened and that he wouldn't be in. I told him to rest because we would have a long day/night ahead of us still. While he slept I went to the computer. I google and searched the internet for anything and everything relating to stillborn deaths. I google for pictures of babies born at 17 weeks gestation so I would know what I was going to see when this baby was born (at this point we didn't know that our baby was a girl - my ultrasound to find out the sex was scheduled for Feb 17th). I laid down and cried some more, I text some of my friends and talked to them about things, I cried some more, I googled and searched some more. Then Albert got up and we discussed all the stuff the doctor said again, we cried together.
I finally called the doctor and told her what we were wanting to do and she told me to be at the hospital by 5p that afternoon and she would have everything ready for me and that she would be the one there when I got there. We picked up Triton from daycare and headed to Albert's Mom's house to drop off Triton while we checked into the hospital. We headed to the hospital and filled out all the paperwork and then was checked into a room. My doctor was there when they were still getting me all situated in the room. She started giving me the med that you put between your cheek and your gums and let dissolve. We did that several times. My Mom, Wayne, my Aunt Brenda, and Candace all came by to visit. The night went on and we went to sleep. The next morning everything changed. Mom was still there and Albert's Mom came up and we delivered our baby. Skylar Faith was born to the angels. Doctor wiped her off a bit, laid her in a towel type thing and handed her back to us. The nurses went and got the packet they give out when delievering still born babies. It was a quilted type "brief case" shape and inside had many reading materials, a tear drop necklace charm, certificate of birth form, etc. The madness in the room settled down and I read through some papers and I seen it saying to make sure and request footprints, so I called the nurse and asked her to do them. The nurse did them and brought it all back to me and also had them type the paper up like they would for a newborn showing a certificate of birth with the prints. My nurse informed me that anytime I wanted our baby back to let her know and I could have her when and as long as I wanted until we said our goodbyes.
So we had her in the room for awhile and I was tired and exhausted and I hadn't delivered my placenta all the way so the doctor thought it would seperate and I would deliver it. I had to go to the bathroom and they would have those "hat" things in the toilet and at each bathroom visit I would fill one of those up with blood. I was passing blood and clots left and right. I probably filled at least 6 up and the last time I was in the bathroom I tried to stand up and almost passed out. Albert had to help me back to bed. So then they brought in a bedside toilet thing and I got up to use it with help and once I sat down the same thing, more blood. But I couldn't even push myself up to try and stand up. They called the nurse and she came in and they got me in bed. My blood pressure was 70/30 and I was pale and light headed. My doctor came in and they rushed me to the OR to do an emergency D&C. As they were transferring beds and all the OR nurse came down to take me and I asked if they would let Albert come back with me and let me say bye and she said yes. They were pretty much (not running) but walking VERY quickly to the OR and they had him follow us with all of our stuff since we would not be returning to that room. They started to take me into the OR and they didn't really stop for me to tell him bye I just got to say it and they took me. I was SO scared. I had never been through anything like this, no surgeries like this, and I felt like I had no one because they wouldn't let him in there with me. I remember getting into the OR and transferring beds again and that is all I remember.
I woke up in the recovery room and asked for Albert and they went and got him for me and I went to sleep for a bit and then I was ok'ed to go a regular room. They put me over on the cardiac floor since there wasn't any room in the women's center like that. Once we got in the room Albert and I both slept for hours, it was just exhausting everything we had went through. After we woke up my nurse came in and told me she looked at my chart and knew I wasn't there for heart related issues and that whatever I needed she would assist me with (she was a younger nurse - more my age). Albert and I decided we wanted to go to the cafeteria to get something to eat so we had the nurse bring the wheelchair and he rolled me down there. We got food, came back, ate and then I called the nurse and I told her I wanted our baby and she said "I will personally go and get here for you" and she left the room. She was gone about 30-40 mins and she came back to the room with a basket (big) and it has blankets stacked in the bottom for softness and then it had a blanket draped over the handles and hanging down and she brought our baby back to us. She said "I personally walked over to the women's center, got your baby like I said, and I brought her back to you personally." She was the sweetest nurse I've ever had. She told me whenever I was ok with everything and I wanted to let her go she would do the same thing to deliver her back to the women's center. We kept her in the room for hours. My mom, Albert's mom, Wayne, Richard, Justice, Baylee, Madison, Nana, John, Keyna, and many others came by to visit us while we were there. After people started leaving and it was mid day I decided I was ready to walk and so Albert and I started walking around the floor I was on. My nurse told me to be careful and rest when I needed because of all the blood I had lost.
My doctor came in and said the nurses said I had been out and about and walking and that since I was able to do that and not pass out she didn't think she would do a blood transfusion. My blood was half of what it should normally be. She told me to rest, take iron pills, and I would have to have my blood count checked. My Mom called the funeral home and got everything arranged and then she let me talk to the funeral director. He gave me some details. Told me when I was ready he would come to the hospital and pick her up and take her to Floral Haven. He explained how everything would be free besides the headstone. We kept Skylar in the room for a few more hours and called the funeral director and told him we was ready. He said he would be there within 2 hours. We kept her a bit longer, said our goodbyes, took pictures, and then had the nurse come deliver her back to the women's center. My doctor came back in and said she wanted to keep me overnight and she would release me the next morning.
January 28, 2010
Released from the hospital and made our way to Walmart to pick up a few things that we needed to turn into the funeral home. The Walmart we went to the baby stuff was at the very back of the building. That walk alone made me dizzy and light headed so I had to stop several times. We got an outfit (though she was so small the funeral director said he would make it work), a small blanket (like the comfort ones with a bear attached), socks, shoes, bow, and a doll and then we went to the funeral home to make arrangments. I thought I was strong and I made it through all the planning, the details, the songs, the everything until the funeral director (so wonderful) asked if I wanted to see her bed she would be in and of course, I did. He showed up this small, tiny, pink & white casket for babies and I lost it. We went back to sit and I pulled it together. I did NOT want to leave the funeral home without our baby but I knew I had no choice but to. Then he said a few words that shattered me - we will leave the nightlight on for Skylar so she won't be in the dark! God I broke! I was done! We left and went home and "rested." We had the viewing set up for one day so anyone that wanted to come by could. We had many friends show up and we sat there all day. We bought flowers and Albert bought me this gorgeous cross to hang in my car. The funeral home gave us a bear from a foundation that does things for stillborns. It was so comforting. Funeral was scheduled for Feb 1, 2010. They gave us pamphlets on headstones, the wording we could have on it, prices, etc. She also told us that we could set up a memorial fund so friends/family could donate money to help with this cost.
February 1, 2010
We had Skylar's funeral. It was a rainy day that day. We had alot of support there for us. Many of our friends and family showed up. My old pastor came and officiated the funeral. We played the same song that we played at my Dad's funeral - Far Away by Nickelback. It was heartwrenching and still I felt like I was in a daze. As everyone left we stayed so I could see them put her small casket in the ground, we through flowers in on top of her casket, and we stayed and watched them fill the hole. I needed some closure... I needed peace! We left there and all my immediate family went with us to Lonestar Steakhouse and we had lunch/dinner and then we headed home.
A few days later we went back to the funeral home and picked out the headstone and put the down payment down and some of our friends/family had donated money. We had a bit of a hick up in the process because they couldn't locate some of the money and so I was mad of course. They found it and we went in to pay the remaining balance a few days later and the lady gave us a huge discount. We only paid like half of what they were originally telling us the price was.
About a month later they called and told us that Skylar's headstone was placed. We went out to visit and see the headstone and it was beautiful. Her resting spot is also by my niece, Brooklyn, and my cousin's daughter, Ryleigh.
So 2 years later this is what life is. We are missing a huge chunk of our life. She was something we wanted and never got to take home. She is our angel, our guardian angel. We did concieve a baby about a month later and now we have a beautiful 15 month old baby girl, Preslee. We were NOT trying but getting pregnant so quickly and not trying we believe it was God's timing.
SKYLAR FAITH WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU! *MUAH* KISSES FROM MOMMY & DADDY AND THE FAMILY.
