A Month of Pain

As I start this post out I don't really know what to "title" it. I don't have a name off the top of my head to give it...Maybe as I write my thoughts and feelings down maybe that name will come to me...

For all of you wondering why I've been sad, depressed, or upset sounding here is your answer. Here is your brief glance inside my head and my thoughts... Here is a peek at the life I lead... The one that keeps me busy, crazy, sane, confused, and overwhelmed all in one moment!

So this month of January is a month from HELL if I do say so myself. January can kick rocks because the first few days into it... I was DONE! January was an exciting month for me back in 2006...I gave birth to my first baby! January was a great month and one year later things turned... Now... Don't get me wrong I LOVE the birthdays in this month and all but there are too many negative things that I don't like to dwell in this month... This month needs to go... 31 days is way too much!

Dec 31st/Jan 1st - New Year's Eve/Day - SUCKED... It just was NOTHING that I was hoping for... So that just started the month wrong...
Jan 10th - Not a big deal but I'm going to have 3 cavities filled at 10a and then coming to work - I'm sure I will be in pain and grumpy tomorrow. YAY!

Here goes the reason I DISLIKE January...

Jan 17th - Leaving on a work trip to Denton, TX... Driving myself down (or following the other group)... My children will be spending the night with my brother in law... Thank God for Wayne he has been a life saver.

Jan 18th - What a day... Jan 18, 2008 is the day my Dad took his last breath here on earth, the day we last got to look at him in his physical body still alive. The last time I was able to touch his hands, face, and arms and him still be breathing. Jan 18th the last day my dad lived. 6 months in a coma with brain damage, amputated leg, brain surgeries, etc he had to endure - I know he was probably ready to go long before those 6 months got here. Though us kids and my Mom didn't want him to go... We needed him! We wanted him! Who wants to say goodbye to their Dad - The one they grew up around and knew as "dad". The one that "supported" me when I was younger and told me how crazy and stupid I was for some of the things I did. The word "Sis" mean something completely different when I hear it... This was my name to him.

Jan 18th - Yep, there is another day! This is a better part of this day... My step-daughter is turning 11... Some days I wish I could go back to being 11 or somewhere close to that. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAYLEE!

I have a work conference this day also from 830a - 4p and then I will be driving home from Denton, TX and going to Sand Springs, OK to pick up my children and then go home. I guess this drive home will give me some reflection time. So time to think about this day! Down time as I drive and relax (I hope).

Jan 20th - This is a good day! January 20, 2006... This is the day I had my first baby... Anastacia is turning 6. Can't believe 6 years ago on this day I was in labor getting ready to have my first child. I had no idea what I was getting into though I know I wanted her more than anything else. My mother was by my side all day long as I went through labor and when we went to our room. This is another good day! I actually am sending cupcakes to school for her class on this day! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANASTACIA!

Jan 20th - These things are coming in pairs! UGH! January 20, 2007 is the day my niece, Brooklyn, was born. Sweet little baby girl. My first niece (on my side of the family). The first time I could really refer to myself as Aunt Ashlee. As you can see my niece had the same birthday as my daughter - yes I was pretty upset about this when it was scheduled this way but oh well right? I just wanted Brooklyn here safe and sound. Yes she made it... She was a cute little thing. Spent lots of time with my niece. Now this day is *sad* day in a sense. My sweet niece would have been 5 this year if she was still here. As anyone would wonder - what would she be like? Who would she look like? What would her favorite toy be? Those are questions unanswered... Brooklyn became an angel on March 5, 2007 - I spent the day before with her all day shopping... My last moments, minutes, hours with my niece. LOVE YOU BABY BROOKLYN!

Jan 22nd - This is a good day! The day we are having Anastacia's 6th birthday party! We are having an indoor swim party! It will be fun, warm, and different - swimming in the middle of January?!? Oh I think so! Can't wait for this party! Hello Kitty is the theme and it will be so cute!

I get a few days of a break before more hits...

Jan 26th - The day I went to the doctor because I had some bleeding - I was 17 weeks pregnant at this point. I cried the night before because I knew something was wrong though I didn't want to believe it. I could have swore I felt her fluttering. I did everything like I was suppose to but yet I knew deep down it was a loss... I went to the doctor's office first thing that morning because my doctor wanted to do an ultrasound to check on our baby (in one month - Feb 17th - I was set to find out what we were having). Laid down on that cold, hard table to have that cold gel squirted on your stomach and that wand placed there to see the life inside you... As I patiently waited for a positive answer I was watching the screen and saw nothing. Still waiting for that answer I looked at my doctor's face and I knew with that look... She said "Ashlee, I'm so sorry" and I broke down. She started explaining there was blood around the placenta and around the baby. She started explaining how she must have passed the day after my last visit (one week ago) because her body had already fallen to the bottom and bunched together. Those words wrecked me... She said I will leave you alone and you can come out when you want and we can discuss things.

I got dressed, I dried my eyes for the moment, I tried to concept what I was just told, I tried to tell myself this was a dream, I tried to thing the best but I couldn't...It didn't work! I walked out and met my doctor in her office. I could see she sincerly cared, she asked me how I was, she wanted to make sure I was ok, she kept asking me to let her call someone to come and get me (I declined). We sat there minutes (which seemed like an eternity). She gave me the options: D&C, naturally, or induced/deliver. She gave me a brief synopsis of each situation. D&C - baby would be removed and due to gestational age when it was done baby would probably come out in different pieces (NOPE I could NOT do that). Naturally - She said my body would start rejecting the baby and I would end up passing the baby on my own. She said most likely I would pass the baby into the toilet during a bathroom visit (NOPE I could NOT do that either). Induction/Birth - She said she would put a pill against my cervix to help it and also give me a pill that I would put in between my cheek and gums and dissolve and this would cause me to dilate. I would give birth to my angel baby. We could see her and then have a funeral or whatever. This was the decision I made. She told me I could do it at anytime within the next few days just to call the office and let them know and they would get me all set up. This was the plan. We checked into the hospital that evening.

Jan 27th - Jan 27, 2010 what a day! We had our baby GIRL. Yep, she was a girl. We named her Skylar Faith Metcalfe. Skylar = Guarded. Faith = We needed faith. My Mom was there and she was the best. She helped me, she took pictures, she cried with me, she hurt like I did. She also called the funeral home and had arrangements for them to pick up baby Skylar so we could do the funeral. The day our life changed... The day we now became parents to an Angelbaby. The day nobody wants to ever go through in their life. We had to. This was who WE were now!
(I WILL SHARE FULL DETAILS OF THE DAYS UP TO, BIRTH, AND AFTER SKYLAR ON HER ANGELVERSARY ON THE 27TH).

Jan 28th - Released from the hospital and made our way to Walmart to pick up a few things that we needed to turn into the funeral home and then we went to the funeral home to make arrangments. I thought I was strong and I made it through all the planning, the details, the songs, the everything until the funeral director (so wonderful) asked if I wanted to see her bed she would be in and of course, I did. He showed up this small, tiny, pink & white casket for babies and I lost it. We went back to sit and I pulled it together. I did NOT want to leave the funeral home without our baby but I knew I had no choice but to. Then he said a few words that shattered me - we will leave the nightlight on for Skylar so she won't be in the dark! God I broke! I was done! We left and went home and "rested." Funeral was scheduled for Feb 1, 2010.

Jan 28th & 29th - This year I wanted to do something special for my husband's birthday. I planned a party (nope I'm not disclosing what we are doing on here because he may, by chance, read this). If you want to know after reading this you are more than welcome to text me and I will give you the details. He knows we are doing something but not sure what yet. Then we decided since his birthday is Jan 31st and my birthday is Feb 18th this will just be BOTH our presents. We both need some alone time, so away time, so relaxing time.

Jan 31st - My husband's 29th birthday! This will end out this month ok. We will celebrate probably the following weekend with his family - but I may be wrong it may be later that evening on the 29th. We will see!

Also one day towards the end of this month is my brother's trial for some BS. But will make it through it.

So here is the crazy month of hell that I wish I could skip! All too much for one person - Well I know it's alot but those of you that truly KNOW me knows I will make it. I may be a basket case, a cry baby, and you may not know that I'm either unless you specifically ask me or read between the lines. Those of you that know me know I handle things differently than anyone else. Those emotions are normally not to over powering but they do get the best of me. But I've had so many losses this month over the past few years I just want a break. I can deal with it and I will deal with it and I will still be ME!

If you have the time please say a prayer for me and my family that we make it through this month in one piece!!!! LOVE you guys!